My Dying Bride Forum

Take from me the crown of sympathy...

random jokes

Discuss the weather, your parents, your kids, the elections, in short anything that has nothing to do with My Dying Bride or metal, really.

Postby Warspirit » Mon Jun 04, 2007 10:53 am

Haha, the last one is awesome :lol:
Warspirit
 

Postby barth » Mon Jun 04, 2007 1:27 pm

hellmouth wrote:i heard a couple jokes
:twisted:


horrible and disgusting...
barth
 

Postby Nicholas » Tue Jun 05, 2007 5:22 pm

I don't think I'm good at telling jokes, but I'll try:

Two Irish guys walk into the pub and order a bottle of whiskey each. The bartender asks "Are you celebrating?", and one of the two replies "Yes, we finished a puzzle in record time!" "Really, how long did it take?" asks the bartender, and the other one anwseres "It had a 100 pieces and it took us six months to finish..." The bartender exclaims in a bit of a shock "6 months?! :o " Then the tow say "Yes, it wrote on the box: 2-5 years"

The developement of meodern medicine:
2000 B.C. - Here eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say a prayer
1400 A.D. - The prayer is superstition, use this potion
1700 A.D. - That potion is ineffective, use this oil
1900 A.D. - That is snake oil, here take this pill
1950 A.D. - That pill is too weak, the this antibiotic
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is too unnatural, here eat this root


Well, I hope some of you had a laugh :D
Nicholas
 

Postby Sarah Silence » Tue Jul 10, 2007 8:24 pm

So, this guy is driving down a highway on his way to medical convention, and just enjoying his day. He's in the middle of nowhere so he decides to drive pretty fast, and he's really enjoying watching the beautiful scenery pass by.

Suddenly, he sees flashing lights, and realizes that a policeman is pulling him over. The cop gets out of his car and approaches the man.

"Where are you going in such a hurry?" the cop asks.

"I'm on my way to a medical convention, " the man says.

"What kind of doctor are you?" asks the cop.

"Well, I'm a proctologist (butt doctor). I'm actually the keynote speaker, because I've invented a rectal expander," explains the man.

"Oh really?" says the cop. "How does a rectal expander work?"

"Well," says the man, "first we very gently insert the expander into the asshole and expand it to 1/2 inch. We let it adjust for a week and then increase it to 1 inch. It adjusts for another week, and then we go to two inches. We keep doing these adjustments until after about 6 months, it reaches 6 feet."

The cop looks amazed and then asks, "So, what do you do with a 6 foot asshole?!"

The man smiles and says, "We give him a badge and put him in a car on the side of the highway."
Sarah Silence
 

Postby Sarah Silence » Tue Jul 10, 2007 8:39 pm

Thanks! :)
Sarah Silence
 

Postby DarkLink » Wed Jul 11, 2007 12:36 am

PieceOfArt wrote:A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, ”Do you know me?” To which she replies, ”I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
”My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table
with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ”No, I’m your son’s teacher.”


Love that one mate ! :lol:
Whispering my given name.
Unfurls the fingers of flame.
Nameless sons and daughters of sin.
Step forward when you hear the bells ring.
DarkLinkUser avatar
Arch Melancholist
Arch Melancholist
 
Posts: 2575
Joined: Sat May 19, 2007 11:20 pm
Location: Montréal - Canada

Postby taatdr » Wed Jul 11, 2007 1:44 am

Image
taatdr
 

Postby DarkLink » Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:44 pm

Sear wrote:
GRIND METAL The protagonist arrives, screams something completely Undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

This one is so funny^^. That's what I feel when I'm listening to that stuff^^


Sear wrote:EMO The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.


Ah ah ah ah ^^ Love that one too.
:D

Every metal fan should have that story up to his bed !

@Aroussa: This can't be the same girl ! It's so funny though^^
Whispering my given name.
Unfurls the fingers of flame.
Nameless sons and daughters of sin.
Step forward when you hear the bells ring.
DarkLinkUser avatar
Arch Melancholist
Arch Melancholist
 
Posts: 2575
Joined: Sat May 19, 2007 11:20 pm
Location: Montréal - Canada

Postby Larth » Tue Oct 23, 2007 9:30 am

If you're in a band and need a damn cool stage outfit..

Image

:headbang:
Larth
 

Postby DarkLink » Sun Oct 28, 2007 3:13 pm

Larth wrote:If you're in a band and need a damn cool stage outfit..

Image

:headbang:


ahahah :lol:
Whispering my given name.
Unfurls the fingers of flame.
Nameless sons and daughters of sin.
Step forward when you hear the bells ring.
DarkLinkUser avatar
Arch Melancholist
Arch Melancholist
 
Posts: 2575
Joined: Sat May 19, 2007 11:20 pm
Location: Montréal - Canada

Postby maximusarian » Thu Nov 08, 2007 4:27 am

a man came home very late to find his wife waiting at the door. "You've bee fucking around, haven't you?" she said angrily.
"nope" he said, smiling drunkenly.
"then explain the lipstick on your shirt!" she shouted.
"that's easy" he replied." I uesd my shirt to wipe of my dick."
:P :oops:
maximusarian
 

Postby Larth » Sat Dec 22, 2007 2:41 pm

Is there a Santa Claus? - a scientific examination

(author unknown, written ca. 1994)

1. No known species of reindeers can fly. But it is true that there are 300.000 animal species on earth which have not been classified yet. Even if these are mostly germs and insects, it is nevertheless possible that there are also flying reindeers which so far only Santa Claus has seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (people under 18 years) on earth. Santa Claus doesn´t come to moslems, hindu, jews and buddhists, so the number of children who get presents from him decreases to 15% which means about 378 million children. If every house has an average children amount of 3,5 there are 91,8 million houses. Let´s say that there is at least one dear child in every house that deserves to get a present from Santa Claus.

3. Since Santa Claus travels from the east to the west, he has a 31-hour Christmas day, due to the time zones. This results in 822,6 visits per second. So Santa Claus has about one millisecond (1/1000 sec.) time for each house. In this time he has to get off his sleigh, climb on the house´s roof, climb down the chimney, go in the living room, fill the stockings, put presents under the Christmas tree, eat the leftovers of the Christmas dinner, climb up the chimney again, climb on his sleigh again and fly to the next house. Let´s say that all houses are allocated stochastically on the globe, this means the house-to-house distance is 1,3 kilometers and the total distance is 120,8 million kilometers. We´re not including the time Santa Claus needs for the chimney, for the presents, for the food and for relieving himself. So his sleigh must fly at a speed of at least 1040 kilometers per second which is the 3000fold speed of sound (to compare: the fastest vehicle built by humans -the Ulysses Space Probe- drives at ridiculous 43,8 kilometers per second and a normal reindeer can´t go faster than 24 kilometers per HOUR).

4. Also the cargo of the sleigh must be regarded. Let´s say no child gets more than an average Lego-box (weight=1 kilogram). So the sleigh´s cargo has a weight of at least 378.000 tons (1 ton = 1000 kg). A normal reindeer can´t pull more than 175 kg cargo. Let´s say that heavenly, flying reindeers can manage to pull the tenfold cargo weight. This means that Santa Claus still needs 216.000 reindeers to pull the sleigh. So the sleigh´s weight increases to at least 410.000 tons which makes it four times as heavy as the ship "Queen Elizabeth". Apart from this, all weights are calculated non-relativistically. With a relativistic calculation the weight would be even bigger.

5. 410.000 tons at a speed of 1040 kilometers per second create an enormous air resistance. The reindeers get heated up like a space shuttle entering earth´s atmosphere. After all, the foremost pair of reindeers must absorb 16,6 quintillion Joule (22,1 gigawatt) per second and animal. Put another way: the first reindeers instantly go up in flames and then the next pair of reindeers gets exposed to the air resistance. The entire team of reindeers (216.000 animals) gets completely evaporated within 5 milliseconds and there is an ear-shattering bang. During his trip, Santa Claus is constantly being exposed to the 17500fold acceleration of gravity. If his weight is at least 120 kg (which must be ridiculously little, according to the description), good old Santa Claus gets nailed to the end of his sleigh by a force of 20,6 million Newton (2,06 kilotons).

Conclusion: If Santa Claus ever brought the presents, he´s dead today. The cause of death was probably a severe cervical spine whiplash.


>>Merry Christmas, everyone! :beerchug:
Last edited by Larth on Sun Dec 23, 2007 12:01 am, edited 2 times in total.
Larth
 

Postby Larth » Sun Dec 23, 2007 12:02 am

Whoops, yeah.. forgot the headline of this, sorry! :oops:

:lol:
Larth
 

Postby DarkLink » Fri Jan 18, 2008 12:37 pm

Matvey wrote:Image


:lol:

So, I assume it should be the only piece of news we get from you mate?^^
Whispering my given name.
Unfurls the fingers of flame.
Nameless sons and daughters of sin.
Step forward when you hear the bells ring.
DarkLinkUser avatar
Arch Melancholist
Arch Melancholist
 
Posts: 2575
Joined: Sat May 19, 2007 11:20 pm
Location: Montréal - Canada

Next

Return to General Chat

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests