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Postby Gottfried » Tue Sep 22, 2009 11:37 pm

Your unwarranted modesty, it will lead to no good!.. :) Come on...

...But beyond the groans and grating
Of abhorrent Life, is waiting
Sweet Oblivion, culminating
All the years of fruitless quest.
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Postby Iceicelet » Wed Sep 23, 2009 4:26 pm

psychosomatiKing wrote:The three of you have clearly lost your minds. ;)


- 1
I hope it doesn` t refers to me, because " I took my meds" and therefore I am not counted in. :lol:

...if seriously, this is quite reasonable not to publish poetry in cases when it` s more reasonable to keep poems in a deepest drawer. This small book I mentioned, would be available only for a few best friends. :)
-Morning is when I am awake and there is a dawn in me- by H.D.Thoreau


- the fake lies that we are told and the real truths we forget -
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Postby Sorrow » Thu Sep 24, 2009 10:20 pm

LEAVING THE ROSE GARDEN

Leave Me
Take Your Flower
Your Roses Bare Not Petals
Frozen My Heart Has Become
Shattered Beneath The Ice
Love Denied
The Sour Taste Of Your Kisses
Be Gone Poison Girl
I Wished For A Palace Of Light And A Dark Garden
In You There Is Neither
Leave Me To My Endless Thoughts
Self Sacrifice Is The True Ecstasy
Only In My Dreams Do I Find Real Love
I’d Stop Time Just To Keep You From Me
Leave Me To The Nymphs And Liliths Of Old
There Is Logic In Their Thorns
I Yearn For A Frozen Ocean To Drown In
Leave Me In My Cold Death
Comfort Is Found Within Those Icy Waters
The Sun Shines Down Through The Ice And Its Beautiful
In The Arms Of Hate I Find Solace
Your Curse Of Righteousness Is Poison To Me
Let Me Run In The Meadows Of Pain Forever More
Leave Me To Run Into The Darkness
I Desired Dark Fucks In Sick Halls
Leave Me In Cold Death
Leave Me
Who are you that lies dying... right beside the River?
http://twilightloveviolence.deviantart.com
http://www.myspace.com/torturegardenmusic
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Postby Gottfried » Thu Sep 24, 2009 10:58 pm

Exellent!.. Didn't expect you may express your thoughts so slight and your vers libres could drown in such a romantic atmosphere...I underestimated you cutie... :lol:

No, seriously, it's a wonderful vers libre. :beerchug: The most splendid lines are imo:

Leave Me To My Endless Thoughts
Self Sacrifice Is The True Ecstasy
Only In My Dreams Do I Find Real Love
I’d Stop Time Just To Keep You From Me


And I love the Leave Me ring. Very convincingly, I believe every single word in the poem. Perhaps because I love poetry and I know I'm too impressionable.
Let's hear some other opinions. :wink:

...But beyond the groans and grating
Of abhorrent Life, is waiting
Sweet Oblivion, culminating
All the years of fruitless quest.
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Postby MySanityDoesFly » Thu Sep 24, 2009 11:06 pm

I feel sure that he meant every word...

Good stuff.

I should check this more often...it looks like there's a very high standard of work in here.
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Postby Sorrow » Thu Sep 24, 2009 11:43 pm

Aw thank you Gottfried, it means a lot to me! And like Matt said it is completely sincere and is one of the most sincere poems I have ever written, I can't even remember writing it, I think it was a few weeks ago when I was in a depressive coma. Its not complete I don't think but I thought I'd post it anyway. The words in it apply to my current situation at the moment especially. So thanks :beerchug:

And cheers Matt! You should :P
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Postby psychosomatiKing » Fri Sep 25, 2009 3:00 pm

Great work Sorrow. I agree with Gottfried about those specific lines. In my opinion those four lines are the highlight of the entire piece.
The line "I desired dark fucks in sick halls" rings a bit false to me though. Almost as if it's there only to provoke?
Usually I find a lot more than one line to disturb me in a poem though (including my own), so I wouldn't take that too hard. ;)

Please write more. :beerchug:
"Inspiration is a word used by people who aren't really doing anything."
— Nick Cave
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Postby Sorrow » Fri Sep 25, 2009 3:12 pm

Thanks :) And the "Dark Fucks In Sick Halls" isn't false, although I didn't want to put it in as it does sound a bit that way but I felt I had to as it reflects my darker side which I'm not too proud of but I think it was necessary.

Cheers anyway and I've enjoyed reading yours very much, but find I need to be in the right mood to comment so keep up the good work :beerchug:
Who are you that lies dying... right beside the River?
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Postby psychosomatiKing » Fri Sep 25, 2009 3:21 pm

Sorrow wrote:Thanks :) And the "Dark Fucks In Sick Halls" isn't false, although I didn't want to put it in as it does sound a bit that way but I felt I had to as it reflects my darker side which I'm not too proud of but I think it was necessary.


I think I should probably just narrow my dislike down to the word "fucks". ;) Since the rest of the poem is more elegantly phrased, that word stands out a bit too much for me. And I think you're probably skilled enough a writer to execute that line without "fucks" and still make it reflect your darker side.
"Inspiration is a word used by people who aren't really doing anything."
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Postby Sorrow » Fri Sep 25, 2009 3:54 pm

psychosomatiKing wrote:
Sorrow wrote:Thanks :) And the "Dark Fucks In Sick Halls" isn't false, although I didn't want to put it in as it does sound a bit that way but I felt I had to as it reflects my darker side which I'm not too proud of but I think it was necessary.


I think I should probably just narrow my dislike down to the word "fucks". ;) Since the rest of the poem is more elegantly phrased, that word stands out a bit too much for me. And I think you're probably skilled enough a writer to execute that line without "fucks" and still make it reflect your darker side.


I can see what you mean but I think because of that it makes it a good contrast and displays one of the flaws of my darker side. But thanks anyway :beerchug:
Who are you that lies dying... right beside the River?
http://twilightloveviolence.deviantart.com
http://www.myspace.com/torturegardenmusic
http://www.myspace.com/onsetcold

Dance The Cobbles
Get Naked. Drink Blood. Don't Masturbate.
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Postby Gottfried » Fri Sep 25, 2009 4:02 pm

Aye, the contrast must be indeed. I like it how the only line with 'Fucks' withstands the whole exquisite atmosphere. Nice idea. :)

...But beyond the groans and grating
Of abhorrent Life, is waiting
Sweet Oblivion, culminating
All the years of fruitless quest.
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Postby psychosomatiKing » Fri Sep 25, 2009 4:10 pm

Righty, a sudden burst of inspiration struck me and I sat down to write an outro of sorts to my would be book of "poetry".



These Reckless Hands

Shaking my head and smiling
I make an exit
A clever fool
Pretending to be wise

For even as I've proof for you
You hold it against me
Failing to realise
It was I who gave you the mirror

So now I scribble
Down in blackest ink
Sincere apologies
For you to marvel at

Not excuses as such
No, my lies are brittle
I believe I've talked too much
But I have said too little
"Inspiration is a word used by people who aren't really doing anything."
— Nick Cave
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Postby Scarlett » Fri Sep 25, 2009 5:28 pm

Sorrow - nice work.
I like your poem a lot, it's really dark and cold. A particular part - "Leave Me To The Nymphs And Liliths Of Old, There Is Logic In Their Thorns" jumped out at me straight away. Excellent. :)
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Postby Iceicelet » Fri Sep 25, 2009 5:33 pm

I am glad you wrote it, Sorrow! A while ago you mentioned a very long poem which is in a process of writing...It doesn` t matters which one is this poem, because - 'Leaving the Rose Garden' is written in your own signature style and reflects imagery filled with dark romantic motives...and this one is awesome, but really rejective.
I also agree with thoughts expressed before, especially about word which starts with "f". I think you just tried to maximize an atmosphere...and then...
Well, sometimes "it" creates a good contrast, but also I agree about possibility to avoid this word...which is like a punkish knife of attitude, too sharp for romantic piece of poem.

...I am waiting for a continuation to this "Garden..." :)


And now about ' These Reckless Hands' ...

Partially I like a simplicity of this poem and its silence which appears again and again. Silence in this poem is so well measured. From the other side this silence is scary and tends to turn into cry in silence. The poem reminds me of lorn place and surfaces covered with slowly melting rime. It seems like someone is drawing words on rime and words are melting very slowly.

...these are my thoughts on this beautiful poem although I have some sidenotes as well as always. :)
-Morning is when I am awake and there is a dawn in me- by H.D.Thoreau


- the fake lies that we are told and the real truths we forget -
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Postby Scarlett » Fri Sep 25, 2009 6:10 pm

psychosomatiKing wrote:The three of you have clearly lost your minds. ;) Now I think it's about time someone else posted a poem or two in this thread.


:lol: Surely all 3 of us can't be wrong?! But it's nice that you are so modest psychosomatiKing.

With regards to 'These Reckless Hands' - I like the way that it seems short and straight to the point. It seems simplistic in comparison to some of your others, but it works as there doesn't seem to be a need for more words. I know I've mentioned your 'endings' before - but again, the ending of this one I like very much - those last two lines in particular.
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