random jokes

[Warspirit]

Haha, the last one is awesome

[barth]

i heard a couple jokes

horrible and disgusting...

[Nicholas]

I don't think I'm good at telling jokes, but I'll try:

Two Irish guys walk into the pub and order a bottle of whiskey each. The bartender asks "Are you celebrating?", and one of the two replies "Yes, we finished a puzzle in record time!" "Really, how long did it take?" asks the bartender, and the other one anwseres "It had a 100 pieces and it took us six months to finish..." The bartender exclaims in a bit of a shock "6 months?! " Then the tow say "Yes, it wrote on the box: 2-5 years"

The developement of meodern medicine:
2000 B.C. - Here eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say a prayer
1400 A.D. - The prayer is superstition, use this potion
1700 A.D. - That potion is ineffective, use this oil
1900 A.D. - That is snake oil, here take this pill
1950 A.D. - That pill is too weak, the this antibiotic
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is too unnatural, here eat this root


Well, I hope some of you had a laugh

[Sarah Silence]

So, this guy is driving down a highway on his way to medical convention, and just enjoying his day. He's in the middle of nowhere so he decides to drive pretty fast, and he's really enjoying watching the beautiful scenery pass by.

Suddenly, he sees flashing lights, and realizes that a policeman is pulling him over. The cop gets out of his car and approaches the man.

"Where are you going in such a hurry?" the cop asks.

"I'm on my way to a medical convention, " the man says.

"What kind of doctor are you?" asks the cop.

"Well, I'm a proctologist (butt doctor). I'm actually the keynote speaker, because I've invented a rectal expander," explains the man.

"Oh really?" says the cop. "How does a rectal expander work?"

"Well," says the man, "first we very gently insert the expander into the asshole and expand it to 1/2 inch. We let it adjust for a week and then increase it to 1 inch. It adjusts for another week, and then we go to two inches. We keep doing these adjustments until after about 6 months, it reaches 6 feet."

The cop looks amazed and then asks, "So, what do you do with a 6 foot asshole?!"

The man smiles and says, "We give him a badge and put him in a car on the side of the highway."

[Sarah Silence]

Thanks!

[DarkLink]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, ”Do you know me?” To which she replies, ”I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
”My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table
with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ”No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

Love that one mate !

[taatdr]

[DarkLink]

GRIND METAL The protagonist arrives, screams something completely Undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

This one is so funny^^. That's what I feel when I'm listening to that stuff^^

EMO The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.

Ah ah ah ah ^^ Love that one too.


Every metal fan should have that story up to his bed !

@Aroussa: This can't be the same girl ! It's so funny though^^

[Larth]

If you're in a band and need a damn cool stage outfit..

[DarkLink]

If you're in a band and need a damn cool stage outfit..

ahahah

[maximusarian]

a man came home very late to find his wife waiting at the door. "You've bee fucking around, haven't you?" she said angrily.
"nope" he said, smiling drunkenly.
"then explain the lipstick on your shirt!" she shouted.
"that's easy" he replied." I uesd my shirt to wipe of my dick."

[Larth]

Is there a Santa Claus? - a scientific examination

(author unknown, written ca. 1994)

1. No known species of reindeers can fly. But it is true that there are 300.000 animal species on earth which have not been classified yet. Even if these are mostly germs and insects, it is nevertheless possible that there are also flying reindeers which so far only Santa Claus has seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (people under 18 years) on earth. Santa Claus doesn´t come to moslems, hindu, jews and buddhists, so the number of children who get presents from him decreases to 15% which means about 378 million children. If every house has an average children amount of 3,5 there are 91,8 million houses. Let´s say that there is at least one dear child in every house that deserves to get a present from Santa Claus.

3. Since Santa Claus travels from the east to the west, he has a 31-hour Christmas day, due to the time zones. This results in 822,6 visits per second. So Santa Claus has about one millisecond (1/1000 sec.) time for each house. In this time he has to get off his sleigh, climb on the house´s roof, climb down the chimney, go in the living room, fill the stockings, put presents under the Christmas tree, eat the leftovers of the Christmas dinner, climb up the chimney again, climb on his sleigh again and fly to the next house. Let´s say that all houses are allocated stochastically on the globe, this means the house-to-house distance is 1,3 kilometers and the total distance is 120,8 million kilometers. We´re not including the time Santa Claus needs for the chimney, for the presents, for the food and for relieving himself. So his sleigh must fly at a speed of at least 1040 kilometers per second which is the 3000fold speed of sound (to compare: the fastest vehicle built by humans -the Ulysses Space Probe- drives at ridiculous 43,8 kilometers per second and a normal reindeer can´t go faster than 24 kilometers per HOUR).

4. Also the cargo of the sleigh must be regarded. Let´s say no child gets more than an average Lego-box (weight=1 kilogram). So the sleigh´s cargo has a weight of at least 378.000 tons (1 ton = 1000 kg). A normal reindeer can´t pull more than 175 kg cargo. Let´s say that heavenly, flying reindeers can manage to pull the tenfold cargo weight. This means that Santa Claus still needs 216.000 reindeers to pull the sleigh. So the sleigh´s weight increases to at least 410.000 tons which makes it four times as heavy as the ship "Queen Elizabeth". Apart from this, all weights are calculated non-relativistically. With a relativistic calculation the weight would be even bigger.

5. 410.000 tons at a speed of 1040 kilometers per second create an enormous air resistance. The reindeers get heated up like a space shuttle entering earth´s atmosphere. After all, the foremost pair of reindeers must absorb 16,6 quintillion Joule (22,1 gigawatt) per second and animal. Put another way: the first reindeers instantly go up in flames and then the next pair of reindeers gets exposed to the air resistance. The entire team of reindeers (216.000 animals) gets completely evaporated within 5 milliseconds and there is an ear-shattering bang. During his trip, Santa Claus is constantly being exposed to the 17500fold acceleration of gravity. If his weight is at least 120 kg (which must be ridiculously little, according to the description), good old Santa Claus gets nailed to the end of his sleigh by a force of 20,6 million Newton (2,06 kilotons).

Conclusion: If Santa Claus ever brought the presents, he´s dead today. The cause of death was probably a severe cervical spine whiplash.


>>Merry Christmas, everyone!

[Larth]

Whoops, yeah.. forgot the headline of this, sorry!

[DarkLink]

So, I assume it should be the only piece of news we get from you mate?^^

[DarkLink]

[DarkLink]

[quote="Azz"]


Ahahaha^^

Where did you find all these pictures Azz?

[DarkLink]

[img]

Ahahah, like that one^^.

[Larth]

Speaking of Harry..

[DarkLink]

This photo is from a teenage magazine (something like Seventeen) called Cool Girl, featuring this quiz(check the guys shirt):

OMG!

This can't be...

[Larth]

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

[Larth]

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

This sounds very familiar...

And I can confirm the part about the germans.

[DarkLink]

In honor of the catholic easter day and the first round of Jesus's resurrection:

Ahahaha, funny. Are you not catholic Azz ? I thought that

[DarkLink]

This one is for you DarkLink

OMG^^ That's definitely not gonna make this doomy place more crowded !

[DarkLink]

I knew another one with baby and blenders^^

How do you extact a baby from a blender ?




With a straw

[DarkLink]

Terrible indeed !

[DarkLink]

Please watch this ! I was

About Japanese:

http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=inA-36YRV0Y

http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=axwMxUBL_ws

[DarkLink]

Does it work now?

Ahahah

YEAAAAAAH James!

Ahahahah, great picture^^

[DarkLink]

Have you made your own choice Azz ?

[DarkLink]

Is it my birthday present
And I find it one of the most shitty crap I ever read. Not funny at all.

[Podgie]

I don't want to seem like I'm jumping on the bandwagon or anything but yeah, I don't find it funny either. I've never really got the whole French joke thing..

[DarkLink]

All my dreams are dead

You're a whore and a parasite Azz.

[DarkLink]

And I'm sure Azz did understand that I was not seriously insulting him (I mean I did, but not with anger )

Plus, he is quite a nice dude when you know it better and when he is not acting like a jerk... which means, not that often I'm afraid

[tarblood]

few jokes translated from russian..

Wife's preparing eggs for breakfast.. Suddenly a husband storms into the kitchen with screams: "Careful! CAREFUL! Add more butter! My god! You are frying too many eggs! TOO MANY!! Turn them! Turn them right now! More butter! Oh my god! We need more butter! They'll stick! Careful! I said CAREFUL! You never listen to me while cookling! NEVER!! Turn them! Quick! Are you nuts?!! My god, you are crazy!! Don't forger to add salt! SALT! USE SALT!! S-A-L-T!!!"
Surprised wife stares at her husband and asked:
- what's wrong with you? Don't you think I am able to prepare elementary dish of eggs?
Husband answers calmly:
- I just wanted to show how I feel while driving with you on a back seat.

Chatting:
>Porn
>Pornography
> Dude, search field is on top

Elder shark teaches young one:
-You see the diver over there? You should start making wide circles around.
Then you narrow your circles, getting closer and closer and then eat.
- Why won't you eat him right away?
- Because then you'll have to eat him with his excrements

Somebody sneezed in crematorium. Noone knows who is where.

Three men discuss what was the scaries sound they ever heard in their life.
First one: That was probably the dobermann attacking me.
Second one: I think it was the truck that almost ran me over.
Third one: I was with a woman when her husband came home. I dived in the window but he caught me by testies and held me by them from the window.
First and second: Well, and what it has to do with scary sound?
Third: There was a sound of him trying to open swiss knife with his teeth.

The woman is ugly: when you find yourself in the bed with one laying on your arm, quickly gnaw through your arm around shoulder and quietly make way for escape.

Old jew passed away. His family goes to send telegram to distant relatives. At the post office clerk tells them that the price of message depends on the amount of words and punctuation marks in it, which makes them send following telegram: "Moses dead". As a reply telegram they received: "ouch"

The first sip of the alcohol-free beer is the first step to the rubber woman.

Two blondes at the airport are watching planes taking off.
First one tell her friend: "I cannot understand how some manage to hijack these big airplanes."
Second one answers: "You are an idiot. They hijack them up there in the air, when planes are tiny."

If you are arguing with an idiot, most chances he's doing exactly the same.

Senior doctor congratulates his young collegue with his first surgery.
"You were good, boy. Like in a textbok. Just a word of advice - next time don't push that hard on a scalpel. You are scratching the operation table."

[DarkLink]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surstr%C3%B6mming

eek!

" In April 2006, several major airlines (such as Air France and British Airways) banned the fish citing that the pressurized cans of fish are potentially explosive"

[DarkLink]

[/color]

Let's update it Azz!

[DarkLink]

Love the one with the mermaid and the cop And the first one of course!

[Larth]

Why are Pollacks the only ones who eat shit?
They're the only ones who know how to cook it

Would you enjoy jokes about the irish just as much?

[DarkLink]

GOD! Have you ever seen that ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PK0BoJ5f85s

and THAT?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inA-36YRV0Y

[Larth]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_ivhAroaS0

This is not really a joke, but it always makes me smile.
Real laughter can be so infectious.

[tarblood]

without subtitles and with english subtitles

[Larth]

My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where she is.

[Larth]

Why do dogs lick their genitals?






-Because they can.

[Lycaon]

The School Report

Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.”

Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let’s call you The People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?”

Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.”

That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: “Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.”

Father: “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”

Son: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit.”

I know that joke in a Dutch version. Funy how even jokes are becoming part of the global villiage. It's a good one though.

[Lycaon]

Comes a man to the doctor and says: "Hah! I Fucked your mother!"
Doctor: "Shut the fuck up Dad!"

Comes a man to the doctor and says: "Docter, you own a very small clinic!"
Doctor: "Fuck off, I'm taking a shit."

[Lycaon]

I just had my laughs for today.

[Lycaon]

An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy. "You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling," and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies." "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."

So then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

The foreman is really upset now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells: 'SUPPLIES!"

[muskurov]

A man goes to the doctor for his wife's test results.

Mr Smith : "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."

Receptionist : "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have two sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows Aids!"

Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."

[Danhod]

You will never be prepared for this joke:

Jesus: I've heard that MDB has opened a new pub with cheap beer and wine!

Satan: Whats it called?

Jesus: The Bharg-Inn

God: Yup, its the Barghest pub i've ever seen!

Satan: But do they serve indian food?

Jesus: They are going to sell some onion Barghies!

Satan: *Belly Rumbles Deeper Down*

Jesus: You can find the pub in Whitby near Bh-argos!

Satan: I guess i'll need to have my whits about me

[muskurov]

In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog.
They are astonished and say:
"What a clever dog!"
But the man protests:
"No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"

[Lycaon]

[Lycaon]

I think these Steve Jobs jokes are sick...it's too Zune.

I'm sorry if I bothered you with this, but personally I think his death has been amazingly hyped. Sure, it's nothing to get cheery about but it is just one guy who had a talent, a doses of luck and a great life overall. And I think media such as cartoons can contribute in bringing things a little bit in perspective. One famous person has died and half the world seems in shock, while there never is attention of that scale with that many emotions for a complete continent dying of AIDS, war and hunger. Also, personally I never met they guy, but if I can imagine him thinking this is a funny cartoon as well.

[Lycaon]

Ah I get it now. One of the disadvantages of English not being your first language is without doubt that it's easy too miss the more subtle stuff. And honestly, never heard of Zune before.

[muskurov]

A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion."
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

[muskurov]

-How do zombies get to work?
-On traaaaains.

[UnAs]

Nothing better than sex jokes!
Cheers Matt

[Danhod]

I also have a penchant for jokes that are so bad they're good

Me too, I'm planning doing a comedy one day 'The Shit Jokes Tour' - probably won't ever happen lol

Someone stole McCoy's

[UnAs]

This cat is brilliant

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UiR4TSLXo0&feature=player_embedded

[muskurov]

Breakfast Dialog:
- what IS that Music?
- judas priest-shall I turn it off?
- no, it's Sunday morning, we should be listening to a priest

[Danhod]

What's got a 1000 legs and no pubes? The front line of a Justin bieber concert.

Kids that stutter can blame their moms for using a vibrator when they were pregnant.

[UnAs]

Matt that joke is fantastic


Perhaps you have already seen this..this drummer is brilliant and funny in the same time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItZyaOlrb7E&feature=fvwrel

[Danhod]

Why are there no Televisions in Afghanistan? Because of the Teleban

[UnAs]

Nice one Shagrat!

[muskurov]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard , the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
“It was an ID ten T error,” he replied.
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An, ID ten T error? What’s that … uh … in case I need to fix it again?”
Richard grinned … “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
“No,” I replied.
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T …..
I used to like Richard.

[UnAs]

Man..this is seriously for WTF category!
My Pussy Belongs To Daddy..hahahaha

[muskurov]

An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

[UnAs]

hahaha..nice one!
Of these two roulette i would choose Russian

[muskurov]

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts,

"Ready!...Aim!! ..."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts,

"Ready! ... Aim!!..."

Suddenly the redhead yells, "Tornado!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts,

Ready! ... Aim!! ..."

...and the blonde yells, "Fire!!!"

[UnAs]

But one thing's for sure, this forum's certainly more lively since Melita came in!

And thanks her for that

[Danhod]

After a whole page of off-topic terrorism...

I went in a shop and said "Have you got any stock cube's?",

The Shopkeeper said "Knorr?",

I said "Ok,thank's anyway".

[muskurov]

What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL!
When do we want it?
IRRELEVANT!

[UnAs]

[UnAs]

hahahaha
this is so true!

in every fucking country..

[UnAs]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MV5w262XvCU&feature=player_embedded

[muskurov]

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

[muskurov]

good one, Matt

[muskurov]

A man asks his barber how to treat baldness. The barber replied "best thing is female love juice!" "But you're balder than me!" says the man. "True" says the barber "but you've got to admit i've got a fuckin excellent moustache!!"

[UnAs]

Not so cheesy...

My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice. "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" i said, there's nothing to confess. Everything's all right Now."
"No I must die in peace. I fucked your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"
"I know," I whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you cunt, now close your eyes''

this one is great

[muskurov]

An Irishman is drinking in a New York pub when he gets a call on his mobile
phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds!

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Irishman just shrugs, "That's about average in Ireland, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Irish baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Irishman returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby boy that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Irish father takes a slow swig from his Guinness, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[Danhod]

"Tell me, Will this path take me to the main road?"
"No sir!", replied the man. "You'll have to go by yourself"

[Danhod]

Hahahahaha terrible

A black magician was driving down a road, then he turned into a driveway.

[muskurov]

Two Eastern European political prisoners walk into a bar.

Bulgarian guy: How long is your sentence?
Russian guy: 8 years.
Bulgarian guy: What for, what did you do?
Russian guy: Nothing.
Bulgarian guy: Poor you, in Bulgaria we only get 3 years for that.

[muskurov]

Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle,
punching the tickets of every passenger.
When he came to Einstein,
Einstein reached in his vest pocket.
He couldn’t find his ticket,
so he reached in his trouser pockets.
It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it.
Then he looked in the seat beside him.
He still couldn’t find it.
The conductor said,
‘Dr. Einstein, I know who you are.
We all know who you are.
I’m sure you bought a ticket.
Don’t worry about it.’
Einstein nodded appreciatively.
The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets.
As he was ready to move to the next car,
he turned around and saw the great physicist
down on his hands and knees
looking under his seat for his ticket.
The conductor rushed back and said,
‘Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t worry,
I know who you are. No problem.
You don’t need a ticket.
I’m sure you bought one.’
Einstein looked at him and said,
‘Young man, I too, know who I am.
What I don’t know is where I’m going. That’s why I am searching for my ticket”

[UnAs]

The perspective of a female bartender!

[Lycaon]

A reporter asked Rhianna "why are you back together with Chris Brown?"

Rhianna shrugged her shoulders and said "beats me"

I heard some good Rhianna jokes in the past, but I always forget the punchline.

[UnAs]

[Danhod]

A woman today had a breast implant made of wood.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline, wooden tit.

It wood do, especially on the beech...

*Light-bulb moment*

I was going to do a joke about cows, but that would be milking it

[UnAs]

When my ex girlfriend called me when she was drunk this weekend and asked if she could come over to my place and “play video games”…

[Danhod]

Turn your head sideways first.......

Hahahahaha

[muskurov]

Some of these autocorrects are hilarious

http://mashable.com/2012/12/05/damn-you ... text-2012/

[UnAs]

This is funny!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mao7lRVMgKc

[muskurov]

How do hippo scientists begin an experiment? By making a HIPPOTHESIS.

[UnAs]

I was flirting with a drunk girl in a club last night, when I slowly ran my hand up her skirt and slipped my index finger into her minge.

As she started panting, 1 finger became 2, then 2 fingers became 3 and before I knew it she had 4 fingers inside her.

That's when I looked at my mates and said, "Can you three fuck off?"

[UnAs]

[muskurov]

good one, Mammon

[muskurov]

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing. One day, the man fell in love and got married. After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
''Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along.''
''And what if I don't want to come along?'' the woman asked impatiently.
''Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex.'' With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
''God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more." In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog. It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex. She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already. She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
''Have you made your decision?'' he asked
''Yes,'' she replied. ''I do not want to go fishing.'' True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up.''
''I know,'' the man said. ''He didn't want to go either.''

[UnAs]

This explains everything!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=zQ36S3d1CaU#

[UnAs]

[muskurov]

5iU5e.jpg

[muskurov]

ROFL

[UnAs]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VABSoHYQr6k

I love Louis CK

[UnAs]

Yeah, Louis CK is the best comedian out there right now. Jim Jeffries is another good one too.

They are really great! I love George Carlin too..

[UnAs]

http://imgur.com/gallery/nPeeRYg

[firebird]

sentence I´ve heard:
"The sun is shining, we have to go to the graveyard."

[firebird]

yes, but it was all about flowers.

[UnAs]

I miss George.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... 4nknAzQPHE

[UnAs]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umRRCkspaQU

This one is great!

[Danhod]

[UnAs]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HIPJrrQlxzY

[UnAs]

Who says there is no unicorn in the world!?

[muskurov]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first asks the bartender for a beer. The second asks for half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer.
The bartender interrupts, puts two beers on the bar and says:
“You guys are a bunch of idiots.”

[UnAs]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first asks the bartender for a beer. The second asks for half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer.
The bartender interrupts, puts two beers on the bar and says:
“You guys are a bunch of idiots.”

[muskurov]

Amanda Palmer's brilliant take on Daily Mail
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGPDWEjj ... u.be&t=15s

[muskurov]

LOL, you're in a blasphemy frenzy lately

[muskurov]

LOL, Best of luck in Sweden, Mammon.

I've also read the story in FB, but I don't get it. There are loads of jobs, which allow you to listen to music and don't care much about the world around you.

[muskurov]

Good one. I didn't see that coming.

[UnAs]

Nice one shagrat!

[muskurov]

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

[UnAs]

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Poor Jimmy!

[UnAs]

Good one abbie!

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,

'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

[muskurov]

good jokes shagrat and abbie

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.
They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that they should lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.
In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water.
One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.
Manager, "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..."
Jane, "Well, jack-off. I've got a headache."

[muskurov]

LOL

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."
An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.
“Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.”
He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.
“Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!”
“Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door.”

[muskurov]

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.
"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".
"Then show me", replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanising all over the country".
"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[UnAs]

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.
"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".
"Then show me", replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanising all over the country".
"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[muskurov]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a cycle "
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "my cycle."

[muskurov]

[UnAs]

Good one shagrat!

[UnAs]

http://elrellano.com/videos_online/4624/circo-roncalli.html

Nice!
This guy is moving just like Cosmo Kramer!

[Danhod]

A guy and a girl get a flat tire one blizzardy night. The guy goes out to change the tire but he has no gloves and after a while his hands start to get blue, so he comes back into the car. 'Put your hands between my thighs and that will warm them up', invites the girl. He does, and pretty soon his hands recover and he goes back outside. After a while longer, his hands get cold again and once again she suggests that he warm them between her thighs. He does so, and returns to finish putting on the spare. When he comes back into the car triumphant, she looks at him and asks 'Aren't your ears cold?'

Why yes, yes they are!

[UnAs]

A guy and a girl get a flat tire one blizzardy night. The guy goes out to change the tire but he has no gloves and after a while his hands start to get blue, so he comes back into the car. 'Put your hands between my thighs and that will warm them up', invites the girl. He does, and pretty soon his hands recover and he goes back outside. After a while longer, his hands get cold again and once again she suggests that he warm them between her thighs. He does so, and returns to finish putting on the spare. When he comes back into the car triumphant, she looks at him and asks 'Aren't your ears cold?'

Why yes, yes they are!

to both of you

[muskurov]

One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking to her grandmother's house. She knocks on the door, but all she hears is screams. So she throws open the door and sees the Big Bad Wolf and her grandmother in the bed. She exclaims, "Grandma, are you alright? I thought the Big Bad Wolf was eating you!" The grandmother replies, "He was, until you showed up."

[UnAs]

:lol:

One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking to her grandmother's house. She knocks on the door, but all she hears is screams. So she throws open the door and sees the Big Bad Wolf and her grandmother in the bed. She exclaims, "Grandma, are you alright? I thought the Big Bad Wolf was eating you!" The grandmother replies, "He was, until you showed up."

Naughty grandma!

[muskurov]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife. The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[UnAs]

to shagrat and abbie!

[muskurov]

LOL, good one Mammon

[UnAs]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kvJ1aceD6s

[UnAs]

A girl, being the romantic sort, sent her fella a text.............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you."



He replied........?


I am having a crap. Please advise.?

Nice one

[Danhod]

Wagner is a god

[muskurov]

A couple had been married for 25 years and had also just celebrated their 60th birthdays. During their anniversary party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman thirty years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was ninety.

[muskurov]

Q. Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A. Because so many men fake foreplay.

That's an unfortunate truth

Light bulb joke:
How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
Only one, men can screw anything.

Oh,
I wonder, if there are videoclips on the Internet to educate oneself on foreplay.

[UnAs]

Oh,
I wonder, if there are videoclips on the Internet to educate oneself on foreplay.

hahaha..some kind of tutorial!

[Danhod]

Mere intercourse is not much different from a wank, per se.

If you have vagina hands

[muskurov]

What's the point of having "sex" without elaborate foreplay anyway?! Mere intercourse is not much different from a wank, per se.

You mean you don't treat yourself with a proper foreplay before wanking?

[UnAs]

Tell you what, TSW! I have a seismologist friend, and I know a few physicists and a particularly bright applied mathematician. Send me a few nudes, so we can form a task force, study them and perhaps find a solution to avoid further disaster.

I would, but for your health's sake, I won't. I mean, even the mere sight of my nipples would be enough to drain you of your sanity. You can't expect to see me and survive

[Danhod]

Of course I was masturbating during the process but I was using a technique that doesn't involve having to use my hands, so no problem (I used that same technique today while waiting at a Social Security agency )

[Danhod]

(no appropriate smily)

I think this fits in:

[Danhod]

I don't see how any of the posts are rude

[Danhod]

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbAx4Lnm9r4‎[/url]

Double fail

[muskurov]

Priest walks into a hotel reception and says 'I have booked a room for the night, but I hope the pornography on the television is disabled'. The receptionist say 'You weirdo, its normal porn!'

[Danhod]

Mammon: LOL!
Recently avenged She-Wolf: LOL!
Mukurov: LOL!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/danhod

The article will soon be there after the takeover...

[Danhod]

Mammon: LOL!
Recently avenged She-Wolf: LOL!
Mukurov: LOL!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/danhod

The article will soon be there after the takeover...

But I was supposed to be the supervillain, remember?!

Who said I was doing the takeover?

[muskurov]

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my Dog!!"

[muskurov]

A Harp Seal walks into a bar…
Barman “What can I get you?”
Harp Seal “Anything except Canadian Club on the rocks”

[muskurov]

A statue of two naked lovers has been in a park for 100 years.

God sees them and touched by their love sends down an Angel. The Angel waves his hand and the statues become alive. The angel says." God has granted you 30 minutes of life to do with what you will."

The two immediately run into the bushes where there is rustling and laughter. Fifteen minutes later they emerge holding hands and smiling.

The Angel says,"I don't mean to tell you what to do but you still have another fifteen minutes."

One lover looks at the other and exclaims, "Good! This time you hold down the pigeon and I'll shit on it's head!"

[UnAs]

Nice one!

[UnAs]

[muskurov]

A client ordered a soup in a restaurant but he didn't get his spoon so he calls the waiter over. The waiter just grabs in his breast pocket and pulls out a spoon and hands it to the customer. The customer is pleasantly surprised and goes "that sure went quick, you guys always carry an extra spoon around?" The waiter goes: "Yes, you know we had business consultants from McKenzie here and they streamlined all the processes. They calculated that if every waiter always carries a spoon around this will save every waiter 18 extra walks to the kitchen a week, and for every waiter combined that amounts to over 50 hours a month which is like 500 bucks." the client is impressed.
After lunch when the client is ordering the bill he notices a little thread going from the belt of the waiter into the fly. He asks "is this also something to with McKenzie"? "Yes, you know, the thread is tied to my penis and if I go to the toilet I can just open my pants and pull the thread and don't have to touch my penis - I don't have to wash my hands after peeing, save time again and McKenzie calculated that this saves the restaurant another hundreds of dollars a month".
The client is impressed but asks "So how do you get it back into your pants after peeing?" Waiter: "I don't know how the others do it but I use the spoon"

[UnAs]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNCoaKE4S7M

[muskurov]

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
...

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

[Danhod]

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
...

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

Lol! Saucy

[muskurov]

What have Kermit The Frog's penis and Harry Potter got in common?

Hogwarts.

LOL

[muskurov]

Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."

[muskurov]

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* "um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf"

*5 hrs pass*

"new phone. who dis?"

[UnAs]

A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day it starts to shake and rock so he looks outside and he sees a large elephant trying to climb up the tree.
"What the hell!" the squirrel exclaims. "What the hell do you think you're doing climbing up this tree?!"
The elephant responds. "I'm climbing up here to eat pears."
The squirrel is befuddled. "You moron! This is a pine tree! There are no pears!"
The elephants stares at him for a moment before replying, "I know. I brought my own."

[UnAs]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."